toddler tantrums — how to handle them
this is general parenting information, not medical advice. if you have concerns about your child's behaviour or development, talk to your GP.
why toddlers have tantrums
tantrums are not naughty behaviour. they're a sign that your toddler is experiencing big emotions they don't yet have the brain development to manage.
the prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for impulse control, decision-making, and emotional regulation — is not fully developed until the mid-20s. in toddlers, it's barely online.
your toddler feels emotions just as intensely as you do — anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment — but they have none of the tools to regulate them yet. a tantrum is their brain being overwhelmed.
tantrums are a completely normal developmental stage. they typically peak between 18 months and 3 years and usually reduce significantly by age 4.
what to do during a tantrum
there's no magic trick that stops a tantrum instantly. but how you respond makes a huge difference — both in the moment and in the long run.
stay calm
they need your calm, not your chaos. take a breath. your regulation helps them regulate.
get down to their level
physically lower yourself so you're at their eye level. it's less intimidating and shows you're with them.
acknowledge the feeling
"you're really angry that we have to leave." naming the emotion helps them start to understand what they're feeling.
don't try to reason mid-tantrum
when they're in full meltdown mode, the logical part of their brain is offline. they literally can't hear you.
keep them safe
move them away from anything they could hurt themselves on. if they're hitting or throwing, gently hold or redirect.
wait it out
don't give in to the demand (this teaches tantrums work), but don't punish them either. just be present and wait.
connect after
"that was a big feeling. are you ok?" a cuddle and a calm conversation after the storm helps them feel safe and loved.
what NOT to do
don't yell back
matching their energy with anger escalates everything. you can't shout a toddler out of a tantrum.
don't threaten
"if you don't stop right now..." — threats don't work on a dysregulated brain and damage trust over time.
don't shame them
"stop being a baby" or "big kids don't cry" teaches them their emotions are wrong. they're not.
don't give in to stop it
if they tantrum for a biscuit and you give it to them, they learn tantrums work. hold the boundary calmly.
don't punish during a tantrum
time out during a meltdown escalates the situation. they need connection, not isolation, when they're overwhelmed.
tantrum triggers — and how to prevent them
you can't prevent every tantrum, but you can reduce them by managing common triggers.
| trigger | prevention tip |
|---|---|
| hunger | regular snacks, always carry food when you're out |
| tiredness | protect nap times, watch for tired cues, don't push through |
| overstimulation | limit time in busy/loud environments, build in quiet breaks |
| transitions | give warnings before changes ("5 more minutes at the park") |
| being told no | offer choices instead ("do you want the red cup or the blue cup?") |
| not being understood | get down to their level, be patient, try to decode what they want |
| wanting independence | let them do things themselves when safe, even if it takes longer |
tantrums by age
mostly frustration-based — they know what they want but can't communicate it. limited language means big emotions come out physically. distraction works well at this age.
peak tantrum frequency. the famous "no" phase. they're testing boundaries and asserting independence. offer two choices instead of open-ended questions.
more verbal but still experiencing big emotions. they can start to name their feelings with your help. reasoning starts to work a little after the tantrum passes.
tantrums should be reducing in frequency and intensity. if they're still very frequent or severe, it's worth having a chat with your GP.
tantrums in public
it happens to literally every parent. the supermarket meltdown, the playground screaming match, the full-body collapse in the middle of kmart. you are not alone.
- stay calm — easier said than done, but your calm is their anchor
- move to a quieter spot if you can — less stimulation helps
- ignore the stares — every parent watching has been there
- don't give in just because you're embarrassed — that teaches them public tantrums are extra effective
when tantrums are a concern
most tantrums are completely normal. but some patterns are worth discussing with your GP. talk to your doctor if:
- • very frequent tantrums — more than 10 per day
- • tantrums regularly lasting longer than 25 minutes
- • your child is hurting themselves during tantrums (head-banging, biting themselves)
- • no improvement by age 4 — still having frequent, intense meltdowns
- • tantrums are happening at school or daycare too, not just at home
your GP can refer you to a paediatrician or child psychologist if needed. early support helps.
behaviour charts — do they work?
behaviour charts (like sticker charts) can work for children aged 3 and older. but they come with caveats.
keep it simple — a basic sticker chart with a clear, achievable goal works best
focus on positive behaviour — reward "using your words when you're angry" rather than "no tantrums today"
it's a short-term tool — use it to build a specific habit, then phase it out. it shouldn't be a permanent fixture
under 3?they don't really understand the concept yet. save the chart for later and focus on co-regulation instead
related guides
this guide is for informational purposes only and is not medical or psychological advice. if you are concerned about your child's behaviour or development, see your GP or call a parenting helpline like parentline (1300 30 1300).